I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize