You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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