I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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