I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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