the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
