I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
