you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
