How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize