I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
