my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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