I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
