walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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