i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
