If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
