Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
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