Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You were trust falling into bushes
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
