Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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