I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Let's get the cat blown out
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize