Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
