bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Randomize
