i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
