He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
