Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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