grandma shit on top of the toilet
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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