Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
