Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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