you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
