I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
