Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
