i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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