she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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