a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
