I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
