Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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