Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
