Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
