I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
