Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
