sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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