dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
