so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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