I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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