Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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