the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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