Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
