A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
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