Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
