sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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