That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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