today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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