You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I enjoy the company of your penis
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
