Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
