I think I died a long time ago.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
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