I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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