dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
