Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Randomize
