I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
