I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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