Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
