Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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