Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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