i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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