just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
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